What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is for marriages at a crossroads or on the brink of divorce. It was created by Dr. Bill Doherty at The Doherty Relationship Institute and is a new way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” — thinking about divorce and unsure that regular marriage counseling would help — and the other is "leaning in”—that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage. The therapist will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later. The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction for your marriage, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment.
How does it work?
Discernment counseling is a short term approach, only 1-5 sessions, designed for couples where one partner wants to stay in the relationship while the other partner is leaning towards separation.
You will come in as a couple but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with the counselor. Why? Because you are starting out in different places. The counselor respects your reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health. The counselor emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.
The goal isn’t to fix your marriage or solve the problems in your relationship, but to gain a deeper understanding of what happened to your marriage and gain clarity and confidence about a direction for your marriage.
Number of Sessions: A maximum of 5 counseling sessions. The first session is 2 hours and the subsequent are 1.5 hours.
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Couples therapy assumes that both partners want to and are committed to working on the relationship. Partners share the goal of therapy - improving their marriage. So when one partner is unsure if they want to stay in the relationship, the goals of therapy are misaligned and can result in half-hearted couples therapy, more conflict, and added frustration in the relationship. Before you can get the full benefit of couples therapy, both partners have to be aligned in their goals and committed to an effort to improve the relationship.
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When partners are unsure about the direction they want to take in the relationship, discernment counseling helps both individuals gain a deeper understanding of a path forward for their relationship:
Status Quo - You have chosen to stay together as you are without pursuing new couples therapy or divorce. More time is needed to make a decision. This additional time can often include deeper individual reflections, individual therapy, or simply needing more time to manage current life stressors before making a life changing decision.
Separation or Divorce - You have decided to end the relationship based on a deeper understanding of what happened to your marriage and your contributions to the problems.
Couple Therapy - You have decided to engage in 6 months of couples therapy with an all in effort to improve your relationship based on what you have learned in discernment counseling. During this time, divorce is off the table.
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Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:
When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
When there is danger of domestic violence
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Discernment Counseling Fees:
120 minute initial assessment: $480
90 minute subsequent session: $360
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If you feel that discernment counseling might be right for you, please click here to contact us and set up an initial 20-30 minute phone consultation. Both partners must schedule their own individual phone consultation with the therapist. We look forward to hearing from you!